No No’s For Mommy & Daddy Blog

I work in an environment where I am exposed to stories involving young people that an average person would probably find too sick and absurd to believe. I feel compelled to share these stories for many reasons that I don’t have a problem with sharing. First, our society needs to acknowledge that it is made up of all kinds of people. Sometimes we are so naiive when we focus on our racial, religious, political and financial differences. Of course, it’s understandable considering that we are visual creatures. Unfortunately, we leave ourselves absolutely VULNERABLE when we ignore the fact that there are thousands of potentially dangerous people around us. Their indifference for our safety and well-being transcends race, age, status, gender, and education. An unstable person can be a relative, neighbor, manager, coworker, coach, teacher, student, minister, parishoner, doctor, nurse, judge, lawyer, police officer, politician, and, well sadly, the list goes on. You know them as being someone who says or does the meanest, most unproductive or inappropriate, harmful, and sometimes deadly things. They are HURTING people, but we are so busy trying to move away from and protect ourselves from people who don’t look or sound like us that their destructive actions, unless extreme, go unhindered. Don’t get me wrong, some shaky men and women are more hazardous than others depending on their ability to mask their true nature. The reason why young people’s stories need to be exposed is because they have not yet mastered the ability to misrepresent themselves. When a storm is brewing in a child’s life, there is no denying it. If we reach out to them before their skewed ways become too ingrained, then perhaps we can prevent them from becoming adults who commit irreparable damage. Dangerous children, like adults, can wreak a great deal of emotional and physical havoc. How much longer can you and I afford to look the other way? Read on before you decide. In November, a young boy told me about a teenage boy who had a fourteen year old girl “jumped” (brutally beaten) by six girls, because she refused to have sex with him. They beat her until she fell to the ground and then they stomped and kicked her while the boy and his friends watched from a nearby location. In January, I met a sixteen year old girl who was brutally attacked by a pregnant teenage girl and her adult friends, because the victim’s cousin was dating the pregnant girl’s boyfriend. The victim was also cut across her face with a knife by one of the adults. The violent mother-to-be even had a whole page on a very popular online space dedicated to how she was going to kill all the girls who were pregnant by her boyfriend and their friends if she couldn’t get to the girls. Last June, I met a nineteen year old who was chased on the freeway by a car full of teenage girls. Both cars reached speeds over 100mph until the young woman lost control of her car and it flipped several times. Luckily, she was wearing her seatbelt and she survived the accident. When the pursuers called their friends to tell the tale, there were many young people at their high school who felt that the young lady deserved to almost lose her life. In June 2006, a young lady contacted me to tell me that she had been chased and struck by a car being driven by several young women, who she had just finished fighting. Her recovery was long and hard, but she survived the vehicular assault. These are a few stories that don’t make the news, but they happened nonetheless. Now, you may be thinking to yourself, none of the young people in my community behave this way, so my loved ones and I are perfectly safe. Well, now I take you to the stories that make the news. Teens have been killing their parents and siblings, because they had a disagreement. Young people have been killing their classmates, because they don’t fit in. Young boyfriends have been killing their girlfriends and their family members, because they can’t handle a breakup. The adults in these grieving communities truly believed that they and their sons and daughters were completely safe from harm. Didn’t their neighbors look like them and live like them? Who can blame them for assuming that they should know what to expect from those with whom they have so much in common? I say again that malevolence doesn’t have a face. It just needs to be exposed and tackled wherever and whenever its found. Why not start with the young?

It has been days since I saw the story that I am going to share with you and my stomach still tightens just thinking about the mess. I was at the airport sending (sadly, I might add) my increasingly-independent fourteen year old off to a spiritual camp. Our remaining moments together were rudely interrupted by the loudest screams that I have ever heard in my life at a nearby gate. I tried to be polite and not stare, but I had to find the source of the blaring disruption. It wasn’t hard to find the source, so I focused on a professional looking, middle-aged woman with four well-kept children and an older woman. The older woman appeared to be the younger woman’s mother. The children ranged in ages from about 10 months to eight years old. The two older children and the smallest child were amusing themselves while their four-year-old brother behaved as though he had lost his mind. He screamed and rolled around on the floor. He pushed and struggled against his mother and grandmother to the point where they left him alone. They were the only ones seated at the gate. It was hard to determine if they had missed their flight or if they were not allowed to get on the plane. Everyone around me was in agreement that the airlines shouldn’t allow that child on the plane. His temper tantrum would violate the rights of the other passengers. I work with children and I have children, but I have NEVER seen a scene like that, except in a special education class for kids with behavior problems. I assumed that this child had a disability, but then I wondered why his mom would attempt to travel by air with him. It also seemed as though a quick-thinking pediatrician could have helped her prepare a child with his symptoms for a flight. The boy’s mother appeared to be an intelligent woman with access to these type of resources. If you think that I am being mean then you don’t understand how LOUD he was and how hard he was throwing his body around! If he were riding in a car with you, then you wouldn’t be able to drive without having a car accident because he would be 1) kicking your seat, 2) throwing his body around, 3) trying to get out of the seat belt, AND 4) opening the car door. This little boy was just that W-I-L-D! Well, after quite some time, the young mother scooped up the baby and her two older children. They pulled out their tickets and they boarded the plane. She left her children-of-the-corn son and her mother behind with several bags. In case you’re wondering, my son’s flight has already left by now and I was so distracted by the ruckus that I forgot to cry — I am sure that he was relieved about missing one of my teary goodbyes! Anyway, I hung around to lend the grandmother a hand because she was feeble-looking and she had turned a sickly shade of red trying to restrain her grandson. He was putting up quite a fight! She was too small to walk with him while he fought her. She also had all those bags with her. When she found a nearby wheelchair, she struggled to put him and their bags in it. Everyone around her left them alone for fear of causing the child’s scene to take a turn for the worse — if that was even remotely possible. I counted eight times when she would put him back in the wheelchair AFTER he kicked and fought his way onto the floor. I waited more than an hour to lend a hand, but my instincts and training said that I would send him into a worse frenzy. I felt so bad for the grandmother, because she had such a fight on her hands and she didn’t have any help. I felt bad for the child IF he truly couldn’t help himself. I didn’t feel bad for the little boy’s mother. I BLAME her for that boy’s fit. YES, someone has to be held accountable for the avoidable public disturbance. Her son belongs to her, she is responsible for him, so his mother must accept the responsibility for his actions. This mother’s commotion assaulted the ears and nerves of many people. We know that “kids will be kids” and a reasonable person allows for that type of disruption. But when a child behaves like he’s been possessed by a demonic spirit in a public place, then it’s unreasonable to expect tolerance. The victims have every right to be offended. Quite a few of us in the area found the lengthy disturbance offensive. We couldn’t and shouldn’t have to leave the scene. The problem was hers, so was the solution. That little boy’s parent made the situation more explosive by leaving him for her mother to handle. Maybe I need to get out more, because I was truly traumatized by the CHAOS and helplessness on the part of two seemingly-sensible adults. He was a C-H-I-L-D for goodness sake! Is there anyone out there who feels my pain?

If you ever meet me and get me started on talking about young people, I will go on and on about how thousands of parents have changed for the worse over the years. There’s a growing group of parents who play dumb and have their heads in the clouds when it comes to their children. I do mean literally, in the clouds, for those parents who are too busy shopping or talking to notice that their child is putting him/herself in harm’s way or misbehaving. On countless occasions, I have either been the hero or watched someone else play hero by catching a falling child or stopping a running little one from going outdoors. All the while, the parent is standing right there engrossed in a meaningless activity. It’s like their children arrived with them, but they aren’t together. Younger children aren’t the only ones with parents who are oblivious to what is happening in their children’s lives. Millions of teenagers are flunking and disrupting classes, having vaginal, anal or oral sex with multiple partners, abusing drugs and alcohol, contemplating suicide, causing self-inflicted injuries, suffering from depression, participating in violent acts, and having virtual sex with pedophiles on popular online sites right under their parents’ noses. Stevie Wonder can see better than these parents! I have also noticed another booming group of mommies and daddies who are poor role models or they are spending too much time trying to be their kid’s buddy instead of a parent. Everything is a joke or a fight between them. These parents would probably be utterly humiliated if they only knew what their kids say about them when they aren’t around. The crazy things their kids reveal about their parents don’t surprise me, because these kids see their parents as peers and not worthy of privacy or reverence. I meet all types of kids who make their parents look like idiots. They talk to their parents in a disrespectful tone and blatantly defy them. The parents who appear the most professional and sound the most articulate can be the biggest impersonators. I have personally witnessed countless young people use profanity in their mother/father’s presence. I have been teaching long enough to know that I can’t invervene, but there are kids who show me more respect than their parents. During some meetings, I have watched a parent and son/daughter play around and talk to each other like old chums. It’s obvious that they have crossed the line into a trouble-filled zone. It doesn’t take long before it’s time for our meeting to take a serious turn. The playfulness can’t help but come to a stop. The child then becomes resentful and confrontational when asked by their parent to follow directions or become a better student. All hell breaks loose when this happens! It’s crystal clear that these children cannot handle their parents telling them what to do. Some kids even tell off their parents on the spot! Every time I have witnessed a young girl or boy lose his/her temper with his/her parent, the mom or dad just has this ridiculous look on their face. They are probably wondering how they ended up here when it didn’t start out this way. What happened to their angel? I want to tell them, the longer his legs, the shorter his wings. Now, snap out of it and do or say something to put a little fear in that rascal! I notice that some kids truly enjoy making their parents look weak and incompetent. If only I had a dime for every time a parent came to his/her kid’s defense and he/she ended up looking like a fool. It would be funny, if it weren’t so pathetic that a parent cannot make his/her child do what they want. I am almost forty and my parents can still make me comply. If you have children who make good grades and are considered delightful children by people who meet them, then you know EXACTLY what I am talking about. They behave the way that you want them to behave. PERIOD. You don’t have to curse or belittle them. Since birth, you have lovingly trained them and been such a GREAT role model that they know the expectations and strive to live up to them. Do they make mistakes? OF COURSE! But their shortcomings are the exception and not the rule. When I meet parents who allow the exception to become the rule, then I am truly disappointed and disgusted. It ISN’T FAIR for the rest of us have to pay for a parent’s negligence. Their kids aren’t our kids! As a matter of fact, some of us have GREAT kids, so it is obvious that we are fulfilling our parental responsibilities. Truthfully, no one would care if ineffective parents kept their worthless and troublemaking kids in their house for the rest of their natural lives. We would mind our own business as long as none of us EVER have to deal with them. But we all know that isn’t going to happen. Don’t believe me? Then talk to someone who has been emotionally, mentally, physically or financially scarred after crossing paths with a bad kid. I constantly meet adults who share their experiences with having their ears assaulted by rude young people. We shouldn’t be surprised when when we work with, live next to, or walk/drive alongside an adult who leaves us with a bad feeling. Troublemaking kids become troublemaking adults. Maybe some parents can’t help their kids, because they are in denial about their own sad situation (future blog topic). My concern is that if I can see the trainwreck ahead for children who do not belong to me, then surely their parents, who know them best, can see their fate. More parents need to stop taking such a passive approach to parenting. It has been my experience that kids do not outgrow bad habits without any intervention. They also never grow out of the “just a phase” stage without continuous parental involvement. When successful young adults outgrow being young, they are usually the product of parents who give their children their undivided attention while instilling invaluable life lessons. Is there anyone out there who feels my pain?